The Answers to Everything

Today I found this list of Golden Age truths from my friend Ray who had his friend Carla to thank for it. I had the urge to respond thus.

  1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still do not know what time it is.
    This presumes that with or without glasses, I can actually read it.
  2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. I’ll be the first to admit, I was wrong once.
  3.  I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger. Except for the day that I spent practicing how to tie my shoes and finally nailed it. Excited, I went outside to tell my mom who was hanging laundry on the line and she said, “That’s nice, now go take your shoes off and go back in your room. It’s nap time.”
  4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. That and a b.s. detector.
  5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? Two words: plastic bins. Now I just shove the sheets in and close the lid. Fits in the closet perfectly. Problem solved.
  6. Was learning cursive really necessary? It was, because in my school, you weren’t allowed to write in ink unless you had perfected cursive, which begs the question, are pens really necessary?
  7. MapQuest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on #5.  I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. It’s that “pretty sure” part that keeps 1 through 4 cranking.
  8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. Like the guy killed by a bouncy house became airborne in a sudden windstorm or when Nana wrecked her Harley at Sturgis? (Probably a lot like the funeral home that has the slogan, Keeping the Fun in Funerals since 1952)
  9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired. Except when I drove through the hood. (see #16)
  10. Bad decisions make good stories. Oh, how we laughed.
  11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 10 a.m. like clockwork all week.
  12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray?  I don’t want to have to restart my collection… again. Or can we just start over with three channels that sign off at midnight and no way to record?
  13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. But not as terrified as when I “Open Recent Files,” click on my ten-page technical report and  this message appears: File Not Found
  14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. Preach.
  15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers.  I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay. Although, craft beers are all the rage now.
  16. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option. Right next to the “Does Not Suffer Fools Gladly” option.
  17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Lest ye become hangry.
  18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said? Three. (See Tootsie Pop Licks rule.)
  19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters! AKA Your failure to plan is not our problem.
  20. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. Nothing a hand-held rocket launcher cannot solve.
  21. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Allowances made for some who are still learning.
  22. I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.  The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.  After a couple of songs, I started to feel much better.  I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.  I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with ear piece) – and how was your day?  You win.